What Is Love of Addiction?

While the desire to love and be loved is perfectly normal, the intoxicating feeling of being “in love” can be addictive for some individuals. If you’ve ever been in love, you know how powerful it can be. Suddenly your world is completely turned upside down. You feel an excitement – an energy, if you will – that makes everything seem new and wonderful. Some people describe it as feeling like they were walking on air. It’s natural to want this euphoric feeling to last forever.

Of course, most people realize that the wonderful initial feeling of new love doesn’t (and can’t) last forever. In healthy long-term relationships, the initial love gradually gives way to a more mature love – one that is perhaps less intoxicating and euphoric, but ultimately much more fulfilling and stable. For those prone to love addiction, however, the loss of that initial euphoria is akin to the crash that drug addicts feel when their drug of choice wears off. They crave the “high” and begin the search for another fix. Love addicts are no different, which is why they often go from one relationship to the next once the initial high wears off.

Although the idea of being addicted to love or relationships may be new to most people, relationship experts have been aware of the pattern for decades. In the 1988 book, “Love and Addiction” by Stanton Peele and Archie Brodsky, the authors defined an addiction as “an unstable state of being, marked by a compulsion to deny all that you are or have been in favor of some new and ecstatic experience”. Just as with alcohol and drugs, one can develop an addiction to love or relationships. Sadly, this type of addiction has many negative consequences as well.

Understanding Addiction and Addictive Behavior

When people develop an addiction to something – whether it’s drugs, alcohol, a medication, smoking, gambling, sex, or love – they have come to rely on it just to function normally. It’s difficult for them to get through the day without it. When the object of their addiction is unavailable for any length of time, they start to experience the unpleasant symptoms of withdrawal. Unfortunately, this leads to a vicious cycle that typically gets worse over time.

Addiction experts recognize a common pattern in addicts: the addict is preoccupied or obsessed with the object; they feel out of control and unable to stop their addiction and will go to great lengths to satisfy their craving; and they continue to “use” despite the negative consequences.

If you’ve ever known someone who is addicted to alcohol or drugs, you’ve likely witnessed this pattern. Love addiction is no different, except that it’s perhaps more socially acceptable than most other types of addiction – at least on the surface. But in the most severe cases, it can be just as destructive and even as deadly as other types of addiction.

Underlying Issues

It’s important to understand that love addiction has very little to do with real love. In fact, it’s actually the opposite. While it might seem that love addicts are eagerly looking for love, the reality is that love isn’t really what drives them. You see, real love involves intimacy, which requires a willingness to be vulnerable. Love addicts are scared of intimacy and the vulnerability that goes with it. Instead, they are seeking the “feeling” – the intoxicating high or infatuation that accompanies a new relationship.

Love addicts are driven by low self-esteem, a fear of abandonment, and deep, unmet emotional needs. They look to each new love object to give them a sense of security, belonging, identity, validation, worthiness, and purpose. They believe the new love object can take away all their pain, make them feel whole and happy, and love them unconditionally. Of course, no one can provide all of these things or meet such excessive demands. Their expectations are unrealistic and, as can be expected, their relationships always end in disappointment.

The relationships of love addicts involve far more codependency than love. They look to the other person to take care of them and fix their problems. This unhealthy dependency isn’t love at all, even though love addicts perceive themselves as “loving” the other person. The sad reality is that love addicts aren’t capable of really loving someone else. In order to have a healthy, loving relationship, one must have the ability to give love as well as receive it. Love addicts are not able to do either.

When the love object pulls away or threatens to pull away, disapproves of, or disagrees with the love addict, the love addict experiences strong negative feelings. These intolerable feelings typically cause him or her to engage in unhealthy behaviors. The love addict may become manipulative, abusive, overly agreeable – whatever it takes – in a desperate attempt to regain approval or keep the relationship together. Sadly, these very behaviors often end up destroying the relationship – causing the loss and rejection that the love addict fears.

Who is Prone to Love Addiction?

Love addicts can be either male or female. However, women tend to be more prone to love addiction in general. This is partly due to the fact that women are very relationship-oriented. Many women put relationships above all else in their life, and often base their sense of identity on their relationship.

Love addicts often have an underdeveloped sense of self. As a result, they feel incomplete on their own and need a significant other in order to feel good about themselves. They tend to place an unusually high value on romance and often frequently daydream or fantasize about their ideal lover – the person who will satisfy all their needs and longings.

It is not uncommon for love addicts to have a childhood history of trauma, neglect, and / or abandonment. Many love addicts didn’t receive much nurturing, positive attention, or love while they were growing up. As a result they often have a deep-seated fear of rejection. Without appropriate modeling of healthy love in their formative years, they have no idea how to develop loving relationships in adulthood.

Common Traits of Love Addicts

While each love addict is different, there are several characteristics that love addicts often possess. These include:

• Feelings of worthlessness and / or emptiness when alone

• Lacks a strong sense of purpose or direction

• Regards sexual attraction as “love”

• Regards romance as a need rather than a desire

• Appears to “fall in love” easily and frequently

• Goes to great lengths to avoid abandonment or rejection

• A pattern or serial dating or serial relationships

• Often has very dramatic and intense relationships that tend to fizzle out quickly

• Difficulties with trust in relationships

• Periods of depression and melancholy

• Tendencies towards other types of addictions or compulsions

• The tendency to deny that there is a problem

• Uses relationships to avoid underlying emotional pain

• Is consumed or obsessed with finding love when not in a relationship (e.g., “always on the prowl”)

• Tends to be overly pleasing or controlling

• Needs a relationship to feel happy and / or whole

• Can’t tolerate being alone (i.e., not in a relationship) for any length of time

• Lacks a strong sense of personal identity

• Quickly becomes depressed or despairing when a relationship ends

• Has a hard time differentiating desires versus real needs

• Confuses sex with love

• May appears very “together” even though he / she is not

Consequences of Love Addiction

Like any addiction, love addiction can lead to many negative consequences. It can create serious problems in one’s relationship with friends and family, cause a decline in job performance leading to job loss, and result in severe bouts of anxiety and / or depression. Some love addicts develop other addictions in order to self-medicate their emotional pain, especially when they are between relationships or trying to cope with rejection or the end of a relationship. In extreme cases, love addiction may lead to stalking behavior, self-harm, violence, suicide, and even homicide.

Treatment for Love Addiction

As with any addiction, people who suffer from love addiction typically need professional help in order to overcome it. This may include psychotherapy, a support group, a 12-step program, and / or spending time in a rehabilitation program. Unfortunately, as with all addictions, treatment is often ineffective until the person is able to admit there is a problem, desires to change, and is willing to participate in treatment.

Love Addiction versus Romance Addiction

Some experts differentiate between love addiction and romance addiction. While love addiction can involve any person – a parent, friend, boss, spouse, or romantic partner – romantic addiction is specific to romantic partners. Obsessive thoughts, possessiveness, and intense jealousy are often part of romance addiction. The romantic relationship may be real or imagined. The “high” comes from that intoxicating feeling of a new romance.

Love Addiction versus Sex Addiction

Sex addiction involves compulsive sexual behaviors that lead to negative consequences. Unlike love addiction, sex addicts aren’t dependent on a “love object” to make them feel good or to fix their problems. The extreme behavior may involve obsessive sexual fantasies or actual sexual activity. The sexual behavior can range from normal to deviant, and may or may not involve exploiting others.

Even though love addiction sounds harmless on the surface, it should be taken very seriously. Like all addictions, it can be overcome. Love addicts can learn how to have truly loving, healthy relationships.

Polycythemia Vera

Polycythemia (Rubra) Vera

What is it?

Polycythaemia (Rubra) Vera, also known as primary polycythaemia vera, is a disorder where too many red cells are produced in the bone marrow, without any identifiable cause. These cells accumulate in the bone marrow and in the blood stream where they increase the blood volume and cause the blood to become thicker, or more 'viscous' than normal. In many people with polycythaemia vera, too many platelets and white cells are also produced.

Polycythaemia vera is a rare chronic disease diagnosed in an estimated 2 to 3 people per 100,000 population. Although it can occur at any age, polycythaemia vera usually affects older people, with most patients diagnosed over the age of 55 years. Polycythaemia vera is rare in children and young adults. It occurs more commonly in males than in females.

Symptoms and Complications 

Many people have no symptoms when they are first diagnosed with polycythaemia vera. The disease is often discovered during a routine blood test or physical examination. 

If symptoms do develop, they tend to do so over time. . They are mainly due to the increased thickness (hyperviscosity) and abnormally high numbers of blood cells in the circulating blood. Common symptoms include headaches, blurred vision, fatigue, weakness, dizziness, itchy skin and night sweats.

Enlargement of the spleen (splenomegaly) is also common and occurs in around 75 per cent of cases. Symptoms include feelings of discomfort, pain or fullness in the upper left-side of the abdomen. An enlarged spleen may also cause pressure on the stomach causing a feeling of fullness, indigestion and a loss of appetite. In some cases the liver may also be enlarged.This is called hepatomegaly.

Some people experience gout, which usually presents as a painful inflammation of the big toe or foot. This can result from a build up of uric acid, a byproduct of the increased production and breakdown of blood cells. Some individuals may develop erythromelalgia, a rare condition that primarily affects the feet and, less commonly, the hands. It is characterised by intense, burning pain of affected extremities, and increased skin temperature that may be episodic or almost continuous in nature.

In many cases, people with polycythaemia vera have a ruddy (red) complexion, and a reddening of the palms of the hand and soles of the feet, ear lobes, mucous membranes and the eyes. This is due to the high numbers of red cell in the circulation. A raised blood pressure (hypertension) is also common.

Blood clots (thrombosis) and bleeding

Blood clots are a common complication of polycythaemia vera and occur in around 30 per cent of people, even before they are diagnosed. As the blood is thicker than normal it cannot flow as easily, especially through the smaller blood vessels. If left untreated, this increases the risk of thrombosis, the formation of a blood clot within a blood vessel. Blood clots can form in various parts of the body including the deep and superficial veins of the legs, in the heart (causing a myocardial infarction or heart attack) and in the brain (causing a stroke). Older people and those with a history of a previous blood clot are at increased risk. A major aim of treatment in polycythaemia vera is to maintain a normal blood count and reduce your risk of thrombosis.

Bleeding and easy bruising can also occur. This is usually minor and occurs in around one quarter of all patients.

Occasionally bleeding into the gut can be prolonged or severe.

How is Polycythaemia Vera diagnosed?

Polycythaemia vera is diagnosed using a combination of laboratory tests and a physical examination.

Full blood count

People with polycythaemia vera have a high red cell count, haemoglobin level and haematocrit (>52 % in men or >48% in females) due to the excessive production of red cells. The haematocrit is the percentage of the whole blood that is made up of red cells. A raised white cell count (especially a raised neutrophil count) and a raised platelet count are also common findings.

The red cell mass is the total number of red cells circulating in your blood. Polycythaemia vera may be diagnosed when the red cell mass is 25% greater than the average normal expected value. Other findings that help confirm the diagnosis of polycythaemia vera include an enlarged spleen (splenomegaly) and the presence of the JAK2 mutation or other cytogenetic abnormalities in your blood or bone marrow cells.

JAK2 Mutation testing

JAK2 mutations (particularly the V617F mutation) can be found in more than 95% of people with Polycythaemia vera. This test can be performed on a blood sample and will help to confirm the diagnosis of a myeloproliferative neoplasm. It doesn't help distinguish polycythaemia vera from essential thrombocythaemia or primary myelofibrosis.

Bone marrow examination

In polycythaemia vera the bone marrow is often very active with abnormally high numbers of normal cells. Iron stores may be depleted since iron is being used to make more and more red cells.

Other possible blood tests

• serum vitamin B-12 levels
• uric acid levels
• erythropoietin levels
• coagulation studies (to see if your blood is clotting normally)
• blood oxygen levels

Other possible tests

• Chest X-ray – to rule out lung disease
• Abdominal ultrasound and / or CT scan – to rule out kidney disease and measure spleen / liver size

How is Polycythaemia Vera treated?

The goal of treatment for polycythaemia vera is to reduce the number of cells in your blood and help you to maintain a normal blood count. This helps control any symptoms of your disease and reduces the risk of complications due to blood clotting, or bleeding. The treatment, or combination of treatments chosen for you will depend on several factors including the duration and severity of your disorder, whether or not you have a history of blood clots, your age and your general health.

Venesection

Venesection (or phlebotomy) is a procedure in which a controlled amount of blood is removed from your bloodstream. This procedure is commonly used when people are first diagnosed with polycythaemia vera because it can help to rapidly reduce a high red cell count. In a process similar to a blood donation, 450mls to 500mls of your blood is removed, usually from a large vein in the arm, inside the elbow bend. This is usually done in the outpatient's department of the hospital. It takes about 30 minutes to complete. You will need to have a blood test before to check your blood count, and you must make sure you drink plenty of water before and after the procedure.

This procedure may need to be repeated frequently at first, usually every few days, until your haematocrit is reduced to the desired level. After this, you may need to have the procedure repeated periodically, for example at monthly intervals, to help maintain a normal blood count.\For many people, particularly younger patients and those with mild disease, regular venesection (every few months) may be all that is needed to control their disease for many years.

Many people with polycythaemia vera also need other treatments in addition to, or instead of venesection, to help control their blood count.

Myelosuppressive Drugs

Myelosuppressive (bone marrow suppressing) drugs or chemotherapy are commonly used to reduce blood cell production in the bone marrow. These drugs are commonly used for people with an extremely high platelet count, complications due to blood clotting or bleeding, or symptoms of an enlarged spleen. They are also used for some people who are unable to tolerate venesection or whose disease is no longer responding to venesection.

The most commonly used myelosuppressive agent is a chemotherapy drug called hydroxyurea. It is particularly useful in controlling a high platelet count (thrombocytosis) and therefore reducing the risk of thrombosis. Hydroxyurea is taken in the form of a capsule at home every day. As hydroxyurea is a chemotherapy drug, it is known to affect fertility and should be avoided during pregnancy, for it can cause harm or may be fatal to the foetus. If this could be an issue for you, you should ask your haematologist about your options. 

Another less commonly used chemotherapy drug is busulphan. This drug is also given in tablet form.

Chemotherapy taken in capsule form is tolerated well by most people and side effects tend to be few and mild. As these drugs work by suppressing blood formation, periodic blood tests should be performed when taking these drugs to monitor the blood count and to guard against severe reductions in the white cell or platelet counts. There is a very small risk of developing leukaemia later on in people who receive some chemotherapy for prolonged periods of time. It is still unclear whether there is a very small increase in the risk of leukaemia in people receiving hydroxyurea and this must be weighed against the potentially serious complications of uncontrolled disease (thrombosis). Discuss with your doctor if this is a concern to you.

Interferon

Interferon is a substance produced naturally by the body's immune system. It plays an important role in fighting disease. In polycythaemia vera, interferon is sometimes prescribed for younger patients to help control the production of blood cells. Interferon is usually given three times a week as an injection under the skin (subcutaneous injection) using a very small needle. You or a family member (or friend) will be taught how to do this at home. A weekly injection is now available and is becoming more widely used.

Side effects of interferon can be unpleasant but they can be minimised by starting with a small dose, and building up to the full dose over several weeks. The main side-effects are flu-like symptoms such as chills, fevers, aches and pains and weakness. Your doctor or nurse will explain any side effects you might experience while you are having these treatments and how they can be managed.

Aspirin

Many people are prescribed small daily doses of aspirin, which have been shown to significantly reduce the risk of thrombosis in people with polycythaemia vera. Aspirin works by preventing your platelets from clumping together to form harmful blood clots in different parts of your body. Aspirin can irritate the lining of the stomach which can result in pain or discomfort in the stomach, causing nausea, heartburn or loss of appetite. Taking your aspirin with food or milk may help prevent this. In addition, many people are prescribed specially coated aspirin that allows the drug to pass through the stomach and into the intestine before being dissolved. This helps to reduce the risk of stomach upset. You should see your doctor if you are experiencing stomach upset while on aspirin.

Aspirin is taken at home in tablet form. Drug interactions can occur, so it is important to avoid taking other medications while you are on aspirin, unless you are advised to do so by your doctor.

Anagrelide hydrochloride

Anagrelide hydrochloride (Agrylin®) is a drug used to reduce high platelet counts in people with polycythaemia vera and essential thrombocythaemia. Anagrelide affects platelet-producing cells in the bone marrow called megakaryocytes, slowing down platelet production and therefore reducing the number of platelets in the circulating blood. This can help to reduce symptoms and the risk of clotting complications in the future. Although anagrelide lowers platelet counts to more normal levels, it does not affect the body's natural process to form a clot when needed. Anagrelide is taken in capsule form by mouth. It can be taken with or without food. The capsule strength and the number of times a day you need to take anagrelide will depend on your platelet count, your response to treatment and how well you tolerate the drug.

Your doctor will keep track of your response to anagrelide and adjust your dose as needed to maintain your platelet count at the desired level. Side effects are generally mild to moderate and may decrease with continued therapy. The most commonly reported side effects include headaches, fast or forceful heart beat (palpitations), diarrhoea, weakness, fluid retention, nausea, dizziness, abdominal pain and shortness of breath. 

You should report any side effects you are experiencing to your doctor as many of them can be treated to reduce any discomfort to you. You need to contact your doctor immediately if you experience the following symptoms: shortness of breath or difficulty breathing, swollen ankles, fast or irregular heartbeat, and / or chest pain.

You should not stop taking this or any other medication for polycythaemia vera unless instructed by your doctor. Stopping these medications suddenly can be harmful.

Radioactive phosphorus ( 32P)

Radioactive phosphorus (32P) is a radioisotope which may be used for long-lasting control of blood counts in older people. One or two doses of 32P are usually given by injection into a vein in the hand or arm, in the nuclear medicine department of the hospital. This substance is taken up and concentrated in bone marrow where it suppresses the overactive bone marrow and helps to control blood counts.

In addition to the treatments described above, your doctor will advise you on ways to stay healthy and reduce any 'life-style' factors that might increase your risk of thrombosis. For example you may be advised to stop smoking, and/or take a series of steps to maintain a healthy weight range and blood pressure.

Prognosis

A prognosis is an estimate of the likely course of a disease. It provides some guide regarding the chances of curing the disease or controlling it for a given time.

The natural course of polycythaemia vera can vary considerably between individuals. In many patients, with treatment, the disease remains stable for long periods of time, often many years. In around 10% of all cases, polycythaemia vera transforms over time into another type of myeloproliferative neoplasm called myelofibrosis, and less commonly, in up to 3% of cases into acute myeloid leukaemia.

In some people, polycythaemia progresses over time despite treatment. The spleen may become increasingly enlarged. Anaemia and thrombocytopenia (low numbers of circulating platelets) is common as the bone marrow is no longer able to produce adequate numbers of red cells or platelets. In addition, abnormal immature blood cells, known as blast cells may start to appear in the blood.

Treatment during this time is supportive and involves making every effort to improve the patient's quality of life, by relieving any symptoms they might have and by preventing and treating any complications that arise from their disease or its treatment. This may involve blood transfusions if required, pain relief and careful myelosuppression.

In selected cases, surgical removal of the spleen, or low dose radiation to the spleen may be required to relieve symptoms.

Your doctor is the best person to give you an accurate prognosis regarding your disease as he or she has all the necessary information to make this assessment.

Effects of Untreated Chronic Pain

            

Being in pain is quite uncomfortable for most people. Even minor pain, such as a stubbed toe or a paper cut, is unpleasant but that pain fades relatively quickly. Imagine being in pain that never fades, or that fades only to come back a few hours later. What would that do to a person? This is what people with chronic pain have to deal with every day.

Chronic pain, a diagnosis including arthritis, back pain, and recurring migraines, can have a profound effect on a person’s day to day life when it goes untreated. People dealing with ongoing or long-term pain can become irritable, short-tempered, and impatient, and with good reason. Constant pain raises the focus threshold for basic functioning, which leaves the pained person with a greatly reduced ability to find solutions or workarounds to even relatively mundane problems. Something like a traffic jam, which most people would be mildly annoyed by but ultimately take in stride, could seriously throw off the rhythm of someone who is putting forth so much effort just to get through the day.

After a while, pain wears a person down, draining their energy and sapping their motivation. They sometimes attempt to limit social contact in an effort to reduce stress and to decrease the amount of energy they have to spend reacting to their environment. Eventually, many people with chronic pain develop depression-like symptoms: lack of interpersonal interaction, difficulty concentrating on simple tasks, and the desire to simplify their life as much as possible, which often manifests as seeking isolation and quiet. Sleeping often makes the pain less intrusive, and that combined with the exhaustion that pain induces means that it isn’t uncommon for a person to start sleeping upwards of ten hours a day.

Some recent studies have also shown that chronic pain can actually affect a person’s brain chemistry and even change the wiring of the nervous system. Cells in the spinal cord and brain of a person with chronic pain, especially in the section of the brain that processes emotion, deteriorate more quickly than normal, exacerbating many of the depression-like symptoms. It becomes physically more difficult for people with chronic pain to process multiple things at once and react to ongoing changes in their environment, limiting their ability to focus even more. Sleep also becomes difficult, because the section of the brain that regulates sense-data also regulates the sleep cycle. This regulator becomes smaller from reacting to the pain, making falling asleep more difficult for people with chronic pain.

In addition to making some symptoms more profound, the change in brain chemistry can, create new ones, as well. The most pronounced of these are anxiety and depression. After enough recurring pain, the brain rewires itself to anticipate future bouts, which makes patients constantly wary and causes significant anxiety related to pain. Because chronic pain often mimics depression by altering how a person’s brain reacts to discomfort and pain, chronic pain often biologically creates a feeling of hopelessness and makes it more difficult to process future pain in a healthy way. In fact, roughly one third of patients with chronic pain develop depression at some point during their lifetime.

Untreated pain creates a downward spiral of chronic pain symptoms, so it is always best to treat pain early and avoid chronic pain. This is why multidisciplinary pain clinics should be involved for accurate diagnosis and effective intervention early in the course of a painful illness – as soon as the primary care provider runs out of options that they can do themselves such as physical therapy or medications. However, even if the effects of chronic pain have set in, effective interdisciplinary treatment may significantly reduce the consequences of pain in their lives. There are any number of common treatments, which include exercise, physical therapy, a balanced diet, and prescription pain medication. Ultimately, effective treatment depends on the individual person and the specific source of the pain. One thing is very clear, however: the earlier a person begins effective treatment, the less the pain will affect their day-to-day life.

How To improve Your English Pronunciation

So you’ve learned the vocabulary, the grammar, the expressions and the idioms. You’ve practiced and practiced and are feeling confident about your speaking ability, but then when you finally get a chance to practice with a native speaker, they keep asking you to repeat yourself. Why is this? Chances are that you are simply not pronouncing the words correctly.

Pronunciation is one of the most important aspects of speaking a language. Sometimes the differences between words can be so small that even the slightest change in how they are spoken can have disastrous results.

Imagine you are in a food market, and you really want a crepe, so you go up to the crepe stall and you say, “I will take a crap”. It wouldn’t be good. The difference between crepe and crap is quite substantial compared to the thousands of words that sound alike and have even subtler differences.

In order to save you from any confusing situations like this in the future, I’ve taken the liberty to highlight four of the best ways that you can practice your pronunciation.

1. Exaggerate your accent

Go overboard. Think of the most stereotypical ways in which the language is spoken and indulge in a little over acting. Chances are, you will think that you sound ridiculous, but in reality you will be hitting the nail on the head.

I once had a French friend with a very strong French accent. It was a little hard to understand him and a lot of people thought he had bad English just because his accent was so… French. This wasn’t true; in fact his English was really good! It was just his accent that let him down. Then one day as a joke he started speaking in a really strong American accent. He was imitating what he thought were stereotypical Americans, but in doing so his English sounded better than ever before! By him trying to imitate the accent, he was focusing more on the sound of his voice, how the words came out and how he pronounced each one of them. Try it!

2. Record yourself and listen back

It’s quite well known that most people don’t enjoy the sound of their own voice, and unless you are a major narcissist, listening back to recordings of yourself speaking is often enough to make you cringe in shame. If you fall into this category then this tip might be a little awkward for you, but it is definitely worth a try.

Get your hands on a microphone and some recording software (most laptops and computers come with built in microphones and programs) and record yourself reading from a piece of text. Then listen back. How do you think you sound? Where do you think you are making the most mistakes? Write them down and then go over them again and again, trying to improve each time.

You might find after this exercise that you are having the most difficulties with just one or two aspects of speaking. Maybe you are speaking too fast or slurring your words together, maybe you are not trying to emulate the accent enough. Whatever the problem, listening back to yourself will reveal whatever it is and you will then have somewhere to start working from.

Consider it like looking in the mirror. How will you know if you have something in your teeth or if your hair is all messed up if you don’t look at yourself?

3. Know what kind of accent you want, listen and repeat, over and over and over again.

Each language has a multitude of different accents under its umbrella. Say for example you are learning English, do you want to sound like someone from the U.K or the U.S.A? If you’re learning French do you want to sound like somebody from the North or the South? Identify what type accent it is you would like to have before spending time trying to perfect the right one.

Now that you know what style of accent you want to achieve, source some recordings of native speakers with the same accent, either from a video or a podcast or an audiobook. Try to find sound clips of people speaking in a way that you like, not some accent that you find annoying. Listen to it but pause after every line and repeat what you’ve just heard. Then do it again, and then again. Your brain, being the fantastic computing machine that it is, with repetition, will automatically start to repeat the words you are hearing exactly as they sound. Repetition is key.

4. Ask for feedback from a native.

Asking for honest feedback from a friend who speaks the language poses two possible threats.

• They will not want to hurt your feelings and tell you that you sound perfect and that you don’t need to spend time practicing.
• They will be brutally honest, tell you where you are going wrong, end up hurting your feelings and possibly destroying your friendship.

The best way to combat this is to lay everything out on the table, tell your friend that you don’t want any sugar-coated analysis and to not hold back any punches.
Be prepared to hear some possibly harsh criticism about your pronunciation and accent and whatever you do do not let it demotivate you, in fact, use it a motivator. Take everything being advised to you and write it down, go over it later by yourself and start working on your weakest points. The next time you talk to your friend, I guarantee you that they will be impressed!

All of these tips should help you on your way to sounding more like a native speaker, but doing them just once won’t override the golden rule: Practice makes perfect! Be sure to repeat these tips until you feel comfortable with your pronunciation and eventually those around you will notice a difference.

How to improve children behavior

The heart makes commitments, the will makes choices, and behavior is where it all comes out.  Sometimes what’s going on in the heart is a mystery, but behavior is always on display.  If you watch children and listen to what they say, you’ll learn more about what’s going on deep inside.  Don’t be fooled, however, by children who pretend to have their hearts in the right place.  Sometimes behavior can mislead others.

All children display both good and bad behavior.  Sometimes kids do well at school or at their friends’ homes.  Parents get amazing compliments about how respectful, kind, and cooperative these kids are.  But at home, disrespect, unkindness, and resistance dominate the same children’s interactions.  The inconsistency will eventually come together.  Either, children will grow more gracious at home, or they’ll become more and more bold in their contempt for others.  It all depends on what’s going on in their hearts.

1. It’s easy to fall into the trap of concentrating on behavior and missing the heart.  After all, you can’t see the heart, and working on it is more difficult.  In a busy schedule, with all of the other stresses of life, many parents settle for outward conformity.  Unfortunately, if not addressed, the heart problems grow and fester until they burst out in ways that shock parents.

2. Target the heart. When children act like they’re obeying but then grumble, complain, and do a half-hearted job, they’re establishing a mask on the outside.  This is dangerous – but the saddest thing is to watch parents excuse it with comments such as “Well, at least he’s obeying” or “He’s got a good heart.”  In reality, this kind of behavior indicates a decaying heart, with rebellion growing past dangerous levels.  Be careful not to teach your children to clean up their behavior only to cover a decaying heart.  Sometimes children will do what you ask just to get you off their backs or acquire some reward, but it’s clear their heart isn’t in it.  This shows you must focus more on the heart.  When you see behavior problems, recognize that something deeper is going on.  Target your discipline for the heart, because when the heart changes, kids make lasting adjustments in their lives. 

3. Do the right thing. Sometimes people just don’t feel like doing what’s right.  Does that excuse their behavior?  After all, they don’t want to become hypocrites, and since they don’t feel like doing what’s right, why not continue to do the wrong thing until their hearts change?  Of course the faulty reasoning here is obvious.  Even if you don’t feel like it, you need to do the right thing.  Many of the chores your children do are likely a struggle for them.  In those moments, pray for heart change, talk about deeper issues, but continue to hold the line.  Children who learn to work hard are eventually surprised by the amount of work they can do, but it takes time.  Heart work can seem elusive when you’re faced with the urgency of daily life.  But a heart approach to parenting means that at some points in our day or week, we take the time necessary to address the hearts of our children.  Even on the run, many of the comments you make to your child reflect either a heart or a behavior approach to parenting.

4. Seeing into the heart. When children are young, parents can get a pretty clear picture into the heart by watching behavior.  Preschoolers and young elementary-age kids tend to be transparent.  Their selfishness, pride, or dishonesty can be glaringly obvious.  As children get older, however, they may cover up problems and hold more in their hearts, be more secretive, and make it harder to know what’ s really going on inside.  With these kids, we need to watch more closely for inconsistencies in behavior that may indicate a problem.  Even if the behavior isn’t a concern, parents need to be diligent, looking for subtle cues.

5. Two ways to get into your child’s heart. (1) Listening and (2) Looking at what they treasure.  Both the things your child talks about and the way those words are said become a gauge, giving you cues for where to target your heart work.  “But my kids won’t talk,” some parents reply.  It’s surprising how many times we ask kids why they don’t talk to their parents and hear the same answer:  “Because they don’t listen to me.”  It’s true some children confuse listening with agreeing.  But, some parents really don’t listen to their children, whether they agree or not.  They’re irritated by the illogic, different viewpoints, or naïve opinions of their kids.  It’s in these moments, however, that parents can learn a lot about a child’s heart.  Children may be wrong, but they’re usually following some kind of internal logic.

6. Listening to open the heart. As you listen to your kids talk, try to discern what they believe that may be distracting them from understanding the truth.  Don’t feel like you have to point it out on the spot.  Look for creative ways to help them understand truth more fully.  The greatest enemy of listening is wanting to tell your own story.  Be careful not to give your opinions too quickly.  Kids shut down their hearts faster than a turtle can pull his head into his shell when they know sticking their necks out means having to listen to another lecture.  When prodded, the heart often contracts quickly.  A harsh word, a sarcastic remark, or an angry jab may be the poke that hardens a child’s heart. 

As parents begin to understand the heart, they realize how closed-off their child has become.  Don’t be discouraged.  Although it takes time, you can still regain openness with your son or daughter.  Much of the healing starts with listening.  An accepting, safe, listening ear often opens the heart in ways that nothing else can.  As you listen to your child, you’ll learn about dreams, goals, and commitments.  And, sometimes what you learn can show you what response is appropriate.

7. Influencing the heart’s desire. Often the activities our children choose indicate what they treasure.  Because the heart and behavior are closely linked, parents can look for things their kids can do that will encourage healthy heart change.  Desires, hopes, dreams, and wishes start in the heart and then come out in a child’s conversation.  Children invest in the things that are in their hearts.  Part of our job as parents is to inspire our children with a bigger vision for life, giving them something to set their hearts on.  If the things your child values aren’t helpful, look for ways to limit them, and then guide your children into constructive activities, hobbies, and relationships.  If you have to limit certain activities, look for positive ones to replace those you’re taking away.  By adjusting what your children do, you can influence what they enjoy and eventually what they treasure. 

Sometimes simply providing different choices guides your child into more healthy heart situations.  Other children, however, seem to have a bent towards treasuring the wrong things.  Or, they want to spend hours in activities that aren’t bad in themselves, but you know don’t contribute to their maturity and growth.  You may have to use a combination of approaches, including setting down some firm limits to guide your child in the right direction.  That’s part of the hard work of parenting, but it’s not optional.

8. The heart or behavior?  “So what do I do when I see problems in my kids?  Do I focus on the behavior or the heart issue?”  The answer is both.  When you see a behavior problem, ask, “What’s the heart issue?”  Then develop a strategy that addresses both the heart issue and the behavior.  The solution needs to acknowledge the behavior problem and work toward different actions.  At the same time, the deeper heart issues need to be challenged.  By taking a two-pronged approach, you can bring about lasting change while teaching appropriate behavior.  By working on both behavior and the heart, you’ll achieve maximum change in your children and contribute to their success both internally and externally.

Good Parenting.

Sometimes we can boil down good parenting to just a few things.  Like, in this case, with the 4 C’s of Good Parenting.

1. Confidence.  A good mom is a confident mom in her ability to “be the mom.”  When you parent your children, you want them to feel secure in your abilities to make good decisions for them.  It’s not that you need to appear perfect, but you do want to take charge so your children know they can depend on you.  Plus, all moms know how children push back and test our limits.  If you stand firm, confidently, you help your children learn how to live within boundaries.

2. Calmness.  When you lose it, you pretty much leave the land of “good parenting.”  When you parent from a place of anger, lost temper, or constant screaming, you lose your effectiveness.  When you stay calm, you can think more clearly and make good decisions.  And when you’re calm, your children are more likely to stay calm too.

3. Consistency.  A wishy-washy mom isn’t helping herself or her children.  Sure, you need to adjust once in a while, but you should stick to your well thought out plans when it comes to discipline and other expectations you have for your children.  Of course, consistency doesn’t mean you treat all of your children the same.  But, you are consistent in how you deal with each child individually.

4. Caring.  Your kids have to know you care.  That goes beyond loving your children.  It means that you take an active interest in them as people.  A good mom will show it by listening to her children, treating them kindly, and taking the time to do the little things that go further than just meeting their basic needs.